Bye

The years over, and right now, in this moment, I am happy. I may not be where I want to be or have what I used to. But in other ways, I have more than I ever did. And currently, I am pleased. And at the end of the year, I think that is all I could ever ask for.

Merry Christmas

So today is Christmas. Yeah, I woke up early. And Yeah, I got presents. But no, this doesn't feel like Christmas. I am just not in the mood. That is not saying much though, because I'm never in the mood anymore. But I have realized something today. I have been talking to a boy lately, but I don't really care for him. That special something, that connection, is just not there. So I want to tell him sorry. Sorry for wasting his time. And to the other boy, the one who doesn't even know, I just want to say, I will always consider you the one that got away. And that is it, that is all I really have to say to everybody.
Today I got a lot of presents that have to do with Spain. And I realize, I am leaving. I will never see these high school people again. I will be gone. There is so much I want to say to them. And the reason I feel so disappointed is that I know that I will never say it all, maybe I won't say any of it.
In another note, I am so determined to get at least one more second back in that gym before I leave.
In another another note, the year is almost over, and all of these posts are embarrassing, they are pretty much the story of me falling apart. I haven't posted the link to this in months, I hope that no one ever find this...

Finding Faith

So the year is near an end. I feel like this should not even be called Finding Faith because in this year, I don't think I've found very much. If anything, this year will go down in my head as the year I lost it all. I don't think I'm going to post this link on Facebook anymore because it is too embarrassing. This blog did not uplift me, and did not share some amazing story with anyone. Instead, it walked on the journey with me. But, it was not a good journey. I had lost myself the second I got kicked out of the gym. My life is very good right now, I have a cute a guy, great friends, I pray daily, and I am as happy as I ever will be. However, there were days when I was doing better. For some reason I can't help but feel that the point of my life is over. I reached the climax, and now I'm just in the falling action. Just waiting and waiting for the conclusion. I am not depressed, just living. And living is fine. But before, I was really living. And that part of me will always be broken.

Sorry

I don't know how this has anything to do with finding faith but I just want to throw this out there. Everyday I cry. Every. Single. Day. Why? Because my life does not feel like my own without taekwondo. I was left and I have no confidence now. I am worthless. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I swear I cry everyday. It has destroyed me.

The defining line

Today I learned, not all Christian people are genuinely good people. Similarly, not all good people are Christian. I know certain Christian people who are awful, mean, and stuck up. I also know Atheist who are nice, funny, and kind. I am not saying that it is better to be a nice atheist, but I am saying that being a Christian doesn't make you good. To be a genuinely good person, you have to be kind. It is a hard thing to do, but it is necessary. Personally, a few of my strictly Christian friends have been being rude to me, and I am not standing for it. I am afraid that it will weaken my relationship with God because I am trading those friends for people who do not act as Christian. However, they are nice and much more pleasant to be around. So I challenge all Christians to be kind to everyone you meet. Because, you never know who you are turning away from the faith.

I am terrified

I never posted about it on here, but in September I got kicked out of the gym. Ever since then, I don't really know who I am. It was such a big part of my life, I practically grew up there. It tore apart my self confidence and left me filling in the gaps with other things. No matter how I tried, I could not fill in these gaps. I feel like I have lost myself and who exactly I am, I do not know. My identity has been stolen, and I can no longer feel good about myself. Of course, once I got kicked out, I looked for another gym to go to. That same day I found one, but my mom wanted to wait before she sent be there. And now, months later, when my mom keeps asking me when I wanna go, I find myself continuously putting it off. I am scared. What if I can't do it? What if they don't like me? What if I have become awful at it? I am frozen solid with fear.
Isaiah 41:10 tells us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
I still am driven by fear though. TaeKwonDo was the one thing I always fell back on, I took comfort in it when I was falling. However, now I am falling into a black hole and I don't know if the Lord will catch me, or let me crash to the floor. It feels like I'm on the brink of obesity and my drive has deserted me. I am trying to replace it in my life with boys and friends and school, but you can't just create a new identity.

The Lack Of.

I am happy, content, pleased.
I am not overjoyed, thrilled, or excited.
But I am fine.
And thats so true.
Things are good, not to good, but just good enough. I still don't talk to God anymore though. My life is so busy that I just never seem to have the time. I never sleep or rest, I never talk to God. I'm so tired that I don't have enough energy to hope that that will change. However, my social life is well and I am mentally well. Spiritually, I am lacking.