Roses Are Red Voilets Are Blue God My Life Is All For You

Monday night I broke down. I completely lost myself. It was just some little thing my mom had said to be, but it was as if that little thing was just that extra raindrop that causes the dam to overflow. I went storming into my room on a whim. I just turned the radio up. Honestly, I never realized how much pain I had. The first thing that hit me was my restricted faith. I never knew exactly how much it hurt when my parents banned me from going to other churches besides the Catholic one. Secondly, the pain of all my lost friends hit me. Loosing my two very best friends, falling away from the person who caught me when I was first falling. All of these people are gone, and I never let myself really feel that pain. Thirdly, I felt my heart break for my friends. The stories they've told me and how much some of them have been through, I swear, it hurts me so much to think about it, I can't imagine how much they are hurt. They are so strong. Fourthly, I felt the pain of disappointment. I disappoint my parents, I disappoint myself, and I feel like I'm always disappointing God. Lastly, the pain I have endured from choosing to trust God. The pain of the promise I made. I just wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to break away. So I did. I bawled my eyes out and just asked over and over again, "Lord Help me." "God I am so lost." "Please save me Father." To my surprise he did, I looked up and there it was.

Now I'm going to interrupt my story with the fact that I am totally weird. I collect tissue boxes. I have ones that look like cake, haunted houses, snowmen, and so much more.

Now when I looked up, I saw one of my many tissue boxes. This one was unopened. I got it from my friend for Christmas. It was one that looked like a rose. Just then it hit me. I knew that when God was going to deliver me from my promise, he would send a rose. Now, it makes absolutely no sense how I knew, but I just knew it. I had had that box of tissues for a month, but even when I got it, it never hit me. Nowhere in my mind did I even recognize the fact that I had a rose just sitting in my room waiting for me to open my eyes. Right at that second that I looked up though, I knew it. This was it. It was my time to let go. I completely totally and wholly lost it. I had always figured I would keep that promise with me for another two years or so at least. I knew it though, I knew that wasn't going to happen. This was it. I was thrilled.

Of course the next day or so I started wondering about the promise period. I thought about it, and I started wondering if I just made the whole thing up to make myself feel like a good Christian. That thought was slowly bouncing around in the back corners of my head. A few days later, I was just chilling and sitting around when I realized why exactly I had made the promise.
God called me to.
The WHY part, I'm no longer confused about. He did it, because even though I can't see it, I have changed so much. Now, I feel like I will not completely lose myself in any relationship. I am fully prepared to choose God over any boy that comes in my life.

I Refuse

Last night I wasn't on very good terms with my parents, but I don't want to start of this post with all that negative stuff. So I'll talk about the rest of my weekend. It was pleasant. I'm not sure if it seemed good just because it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, (Which was really bad! Haha.) or if its because it actually was. I suppose that does not matter though. I'll just be happy it wasn't horrible. One thing I did learn this weekend is that you don't have to put yourself in bad situations. You choose who you hang out with and who you don't like. So I just want to stick a little note in here that nobody should be hanging about bad people just because they think they have to. I will be the first to tell you, you don't.
Anyways, my parents were yelling about me about all this stupid stuff last night. I had been up all night on the night before. I wasn't in the mood for there stupid arguments. But that's life, just gotta deal with it. Some how the stupid little argument ended up into being this huge long ordeal about me being to immature to survive in the real world. Right now, I'm sure their right. I'm fifteen not twenty one. I'm not supposed to be an adult yet. Later that night though, when I got home from my friends birthday party, we watched a movie. It was one of those dumb movies. It was a whole bunch of guys just messing around and, well, being guys. I remember what he said at the end of the movie though, "I'm not the guy that was in prison; I'm the man that came out of prison." So I've been thinking about that a lot. It's so true though. If everybody started viewing people like that, we'd have less people being judged and more people being loved. I refuse to look at people any other way. People are not defined by their past they are created by it. Personally, I find them all to be amazing creations. But that's just the point of view from a immature fifteen year old girl. And I REFUSE to look differently than that. I suppose I will die as an immature 95 year old lady then too.

This Is What Life Is.

I'm feeling it. Really, really feeling it. It feels like my whole life as built up just for these moments. Truthfully, it has. Every second that I live is used to make me stronger during the next second. For a while, I'd always think, God, why oh why have you put me here. Of all people, why am I the one you chose for this situation. Now, I have found myself. I admit, it did take other peoples story's for me to realize it. When my friends talk about how they can't stop thinking about some guy, I no longer can relate to that longing feeling. When people say negative things about me, I do not feel that pain. I rely on absolutely nobody of this world to make me happy. Some very intelligent person who's name I do not recall once said, "You cannot be alone if you like the person you are alone with." Now, they left out something very important when they said that though. If i was to have said it, I would change it from person to people. For we are always with God besides ourselves. That is my secret to living the happiest life.
First, I have so much religious peace, for God is ever present in my heart and guides all my choices. When anybody talks about making out with their boyfriends or when their walking around holding hands, I feel no jealousy. If anything, I feel sorry for them. The love I have found is so much greater and will last so much longer. I can honestly say that God has delivered me from even the slightest bit of adulterous temptation. He has also saved me from so many of my devious habits. Although I am a very imperfect sinner, I have become so much better that before. Nothing but the grace of the Lord could have stopped some of the things I did.
Second, I love myself. I find that to be a huge accomplishment. I don't think I've been bored for the longest time. When I'm all alone, I can just think, clear my mind. I don't need other people there for me all the time. I can just sit in peace with myself. Every night, when I think back on the day. I would gladly put a stamp on it and claim it for everybody around the world to see its my own. The choices I make, I'm proud of. Nobody can take that away from me. I truly do love myself. Now that not to be mistaken in some conceited way. I would gladly give myself up for someone else. And I would do almost anything to make others feel loved too. When I say I love myself, I mean that I accept myself and wouldn't change who I am. I really don't think anybody should ever want to change themselves. Why be someone else when YOU are so much better?

Just Maybe

I'm going to keep it very short a brief today, I have far to much homework to do. Anyways, today I realized just how happy I was. I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen in a while today. Now, God only knows I don't miss him, at all. It made me think though. How very much I've changed sense then. He was my friend for a very short time at the very beginning of school. Back then, I was anything but a good kid. I was awful. He asked me how I was doing. In that moment, I really really thought about it. I told him "Absolutely more amazing than I could ever imagine." I was at peace. That's so much more than some people can say.

Theres Good For Those Who Love God

So I was looking for some quotes today, because I'm a looser and that's just what I do. Personally, I absolutely love quotes. That's whatever though. I was on one site when I found this one.
God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.
-Jim Elliot
It does seem like a cruel thing to do, considering that a loving God should answer our pleading prayers. This really does make sense to me though. We have a loving God who is so much greater than we will ever know. His overwhelming array of purity is uncomprehendable. I know that when I put my trust in God, even greater things then what I could have ever planned happen. So, when it comes down to it, I believe there are two different kinds of Christians. Some will say, here I am God, do with me what you will. The others will say, here I am God, do with me what I will. Personally, I would much rather have Gods favor than my own human favor.

Its Always The Bigger Things In Life That Seem To Chose You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BktBq7PK01Y&feature=related

Pizza Perfect

Today was starting out to not be a very happy day. It was like the second I woke up my everyone was just trying to get on my nerves. I was very grumpy and felt absolutely horrible. So I just sat there and prayed for God to deliver me. And no matter how dumb it sounds, he did. I hadn't eaten yet because I hadn't felt good. Now I felt better though and was really hungry. I was craving some pizza really badly. My mom was relentless to give in. Now, when I get a craving, nothing else really was going to satisfy me. So I didn't eat. Ten minutes later my dad came home from a meeting. Apparently they had pizza for lunch and he'd brought me home some. I know its just a silly little thing. But it helps me to know that God truly does have it all planned for me. Most importantly, he answers my prayers. His love for me is so amazing.

Gazing Out Its Beautiful

So today hasn't exactly been the best day ever. All these new classes are looking pretty caliginous. I just pray that God gives me the patients to deal with some of these people. It's going to be a very long semester. I went outside tonight and just sat there. I looked up at the sky. In that moment, I just was able to take comfort in the fact that someone, somewhere out there, was looking at the exact same sky, moon, stars. I prayed for that person. For them to find what they were looking for. As I thought about it, its almost like I gave God body in the moon. Its almost like I would pray to it. For a while, that bothered me. I realized though, that I really wasn't. In truth, God is in and is everything. God is in the moon. God is even in your very worst enemy. So what if I like to look into the depths of the sky. He's present there, he's always there. When you pray, its to God. It begins in your heart, takes life in your thoughts, lives in his care, and dies when your ready. He takes care of it, and he knows who your talking too. So don't worry about how you do it, you can't call out to him in any place that he wont be able to hear.

Its Different

I feel like I need to talk about it. We all have one, some more than others, but its always there. Love. My choice not to. I was called to make a choice. I don't remember when exactly it was, but God put a notion in my heart. He made me ask the question, Why not stay single, for him. So I prayed about for a few months. Then finally, I came to the conclusion that he wanted me to. And when it comes down to it, that was probably the best decision I've made in my whole life. I'm not gunna lie, before that, I wasn't exactly having the guys chase after me to begin with. In fact, I was extremely lonely. I remember writing this. It was at one of those days that I just felt so sad. Because, well, I hadn't really ever had a good relationship. At least not one I really cared about:
It's 11:37. Iv been sitting here on my couch for an hour, crying my eyes out. I feel so alone. It hard to pray, like Gods obviously chose for me to be forever single so how does he feel about me praying against him... I'm so tired of being alone. Nobody understands. It's more than just wanting to "say I have a boyfriend." It's about the loneliness I feel when my friends pair off, it's about the way I feel God is punishing me by not wanting to make me feel happy. It's about how INCREDIBLY and UNDESCIBIBLY darn UGLY I FEEL. It's about how unwanted I feel, like I could fall off the earth and nobody would care. It's about how guilty I feel for being jealous of my friends. It's about how I feel like I'm missing out on what is a huge part of some people lives. I don't care how much of a loser other people think I am for being single; it's about how much of a loser I call myself for being single. I'm my own worst bully. I just want what everybody else wants... To feel loved. I guess I'm not worth it for any guy. I'm to much of a mess. I can't stand myself, how would anybody else be able to stand me. When I look in the mirror its hard feel even a little pretty. I'm just looking for a guy to prove all my worse fears wrong. Most of all, I'm looking to gain that self confidence I desperately need.

And that it, that was how unhappy it made me. And sense I'm being completely honest, even if I had chosen to date, I probably wouldn't be right now. I'd be the same unwanted unhappy girl. But after I made that promise, and literally RIGHT AFTER, everything changed for me. I've always said "You can't find yourself if your to busy getting lost in somebody else." but that's exactly what I did, I got lost in God. I found my self worth. Immediately afterwords, He blessed me in sooo many ways. I remember one night specifically. I just looked in the mirror, and started bawling my eyes out. He put some very amazing guys in my life, he made me feel beautiful again. I felt wanted, pursued. So I cried for the longest time, the tears of uttermost joy. I found happiness in the Lord. Now I know that this isn't the right path for everybody. But that's okay. Cause God has a different and exciting plan for each one of us. Today, I saw someone, someone who used to be important. But it's whatever. Cause I know this is so much better. One day, God will release me from my promise, and one day he'll give me a man I deserve, and one that deserves me. But until that day, hes using the rest of this time to deliver me. To save me from all the unfortunate heartbreaks everybody is living through. I could never be more happy. This is all part of his plan.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Now THAT deserves a hallelujah!

We All Want What We Cant Have

Yesterday was the drive home from Iowa. We made the whole 15 hour trip in one day, which was pretty good I presume. But anyways... I got to thinking a lot on the drive back. And I mean a whole lot! I started thinking about everything. Everything that I missed. To be honest, that's a lot. But thinking about it all was such a negative feeling. It wasn't that my life is full of regret. Cause it most certainly is not! I firmly believe in living life with no regrets.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
So I think that life should be a new journey each days. Put the past past you. As much as a try, there's always one thing that slips by me. Her death. Laura died a few years ago. To be honest, I wasn't a very close friend of hers. She was a great deal older than me. But when she was gone, I felt like it was my responsibility to go to her funeral. My friends that new her did. I didn't. I didn't have a ride. My mom wouldn't let me skip school for it. So I didn't go. That whole hour I sat there in class and cried. Now nobody noticed, and quite frankly, I'm glad they didn't. But it just sucked. I felt like I let her down. Even today. I would give anything to go to it. I missed saying goodbye to her. I'll never forgive myself for that.
But enough of that! I was thinking about the things I missed. what I wanted to come back. to relive. I miss my old friends. I miss my even older friends. I miss my old routines. I missed hanging out at Marie and Claire's houses'. But truthfully, I missed it all. Life is moving so quickly. Before I know it I'll be at college. I'll have kids. I'll be married. I can't go back. I'm living this life, now. And it's crazy. But so what, life's crazy.
"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harms."
-Proverbs 13:20

I just want to walk with the wise and make sure my life is worth looking back at. I think it's a fabulous accomplishment all it's own to be able to look back at your past, and miss it. It shows you've done something truly great. I just would like to conclude this post with, I absolutely cant wait to do the even greater things God's planned for me.

When Stuff Is Stuff

Today was the estate auction for my great grandmother, the whole reason I'm even in Iowa. So we were all there bright and early. I looked around some and saw two things that I wanted. So I asked my mom to buy them for me. A stereoscope and a little hangy thing for my room. As I kept looking around, I found a few other cute little things that I wouldn't mind having either. After about three hours of being there, the action finally started.

And it seemed like the things I wanted weren't even being sold yet. (It ended up being a nine hour long auction. And I admit, I did fall asleep for some of it.) But then they started putting up some of the things that I had kind of wanted, nothing very important though. Each time I would sit there and listen as other people placed their bids as the auctioneer just kept mumbling on and on into higher and higher numbers. When the numbers finally stopped shooting up, he would repeat it over and over again till he'd yell "SOLD". So I would then watch him hand away my great-grandmother's stuff. And that made me mad. What gave this other person, who didn't even know her, who couldn't possibly have the same respect for it, permission to have it.
But you know what. She had every right to have it.
Why?

Because she bought it.

She bought an item. She bought an invaluable little thing.
And I was really the winner. Cause I got the memories. At no charge.
John 15:19 says:
If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
God has personally chosen me to have something so much greater, so great that the world cannot steal it from me. And that's my everlasting memories. When this world is over, when life comes to an end, all those other people will have is dust. Dust left from the ashes of their once precious items.
Now I'm most definitely not saying that things are useless (I did after all end up with the two things I had really wanted.) but their not everything. And of course I'm not saying the people at the auction house were horrible people destined to hell for buying my great grandmothers stuff. All I'm saying is, material things are just that, material.

The Day I Got Woken Up Early.

After staying up nice and late last night, I was tired. And the fact that I was sitting there in Iowa instead of being home with my friends wasn't exactly making me the happiest girl alive. So I quite replying to all my "Happy New Years" text messages. And Prayed. I don't much remember what about, but I'm sure it was a nice long conversation.

Then, I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning to peoples voices. Now, nobody ever really comes down and hangs out down in the basement where I've been sleeping on a nice lovely couch. But, for some reason, today they did. So I woke up to my mom and Grandpa talking about just whatever, to be honest, I was so sleepy and angry I don't recall the exact conversations. Maybe it was something about doctors. I don't know. All I know is that I was mad. Almost in tears ready to throw a fit kind of mad. I shoved my pillow over my face to let them know my anger. and they noticed. But, of course, they didn't care. But I wouldn't budge. I had absolutely no intentions of getting up. What seemed like hours later, they finally left.
So I should have been happy, right?
Yes!
But Was I...
No.
Because after all that fuss, I was still mad. And all that time had gradually eased away all sleepiness I had previously felt. I was so caught up in the past, it had ruined my sleep.

And somehow this all reminded me of some lyrics from the soundtrack of Letters to God. (My Absolute FAVORITE Movie BTW. Haha. :])
"When I'm buried in the questions, I can't find the answer. I close my eyes and listen, till I remember. When everything was beautiful."

And I realize the whole situation was silly, not something really worth your time to read. But for me, it was a lovely realization reminder. That, well, everything is beautiful. I was so caught up in my anger that I disrupted a father and daughter having a conversation. Something that rarely gets to happen considering we live in two very different states. For all I know it could have been the most beautiful thing and I just despised it. Then when I was finally left alone. I was so caught up. Nothing was beautiful. I wanted more. I needed more. But thats not how it works. I forgot to see how beautiful every single second is. And for that, Im sorry Lord.