Merry Christmas

So today is Christmas. Yeah, I woke up early. And Yeah, I got presents. But no, this doesn't feel like Christmas. I am just not in the mood. That is not saying much though, because I'm never in the mood anymore. But I have realized something today. I have been talking to a boy lately, but I don't really care for him. That special something, that connection, is just not there. So I want to tell him sorry. Sorry for wasting his time. And to the other boy, the one who doesn't even know, I just want to say, I will always consider you the one that got away. And that is it, that is all I really have to say to everybody.
Today I got a lot of presents that have to do with Spain. And I realize, I am leaving. I will never see these high school people again. I will be gone. There is so much I want to say to them. And the reason I feel so disappointed is that I know that I will never say it all, maybe I won't say any of it.
In another note, I am so determined to get at least one more second back in that gym before I leave.
In another another note, the year is almost over, and all of these posts are embarrassing, they are pretty much the story of me falling apart. I haven't posted the link to this in months, I hope that no one ever find this...

Finding Faith

So the year is near an end. I feel like this should not even be called Finding Faith because in this year, I don't think I've found very much. If anything, this year will go down in my head as the year I lost it all. I don't think I'm going to post this link on Facebook anymore because it is too embarrassing. This blog did not uplift me, and did not share some amazing story with anyone. Instead, it walked on the journey with me. But, it was not a good journey. I had lost myself the second I got kicked out of the gym. My life is very good right now, I have a cute a guy, great friends, I pray daily, and I am as happy as I ever will be. However, there were days when I was doing better. For some reason I can't help but feel that the point of my life is over. I reached the climax, and now I'm just in the falling action. Just waiting and waiting for the conclusion. I am not depressed, just living. And living is fine. But before, I was really living. And that part of me will always be broken.

Sorry

I don't know how this has anything to do with finding faith but I just want to throw this out there. Everyday I cry. Every. Single. Day. Why? Because my life does not feel like my own without taekwondo. I was left and I have no confidence now. I am worthless. I don't think I'll ever get over it. I swear I cry everyday. It has destroyed me.

The defining line

Today I learned, not all Christian people are genuinely good people. Similarly, not all good people are Christian. I know certain Christian people who are awful, mean, and stuck up. I also know Atheist who are nice, funny, and kind. I am not saying that it is better to be a nice atheist, but I am saying that being a Christian doesn't make you good. To be a genuinely good person, you have to be kind. It is a hard thing to do, but it is necessary. Personally, a few of my strictly Christian friends have been being rude to me, and I am not standing for it. I am afraid that it will weaken my relationship with God because I am trading those friends for people who do not act as Christian. However, they are nice and much more pleasant to be around. So I challenge all Christians to be kind to everyone you meet. Because, you never know who you are turning away from the faith.

I am terrified

I never posted about it on here, but in September I got kicked out of the gym. Ever since then, I don't really know who I am. It was such a big part of my life, I practically grew up there. It tore apart my self confidence and left me filling in the gaps with other things. No matter how I tried, I could not fill in these gaps. I feel like I have lost myself and who exactly I am, I do not know. My identity has been stolen, and I can no longer feel good about myself. Of course, once I got kicked out, I looked for another gym to go to. That same day I found one, but my mom wanted to wait before she sent be there. And now, months later, when my mom keeps asking me when I wanna go, I find myself continuously putting it off. I am scared. What if I can't do it? What if they don't like me? What if I have become awful at it? I am frozen solid with fear.
Isaiah 41:10 tells us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
I still am driven by fear though. TaeKwonDo was the one thing I always fell back on, I took comfort in it when I was falling. However, now I am falling into a black hole and I don't know if the Lord will catch me, or let me crash to the floor. It feels like I'm on the brink of obesity and my drive has deserted me. I am trying to replace it in my life with boys and friends and school, but you can't just create a new identity.

The Lack Of.

I am happy, content, pleased.
I am not overjoyed, thrilled, or excited.
But I am fine.
And thats so true.
Things are good, not to good, but just good enough. I still don't talk to God anymore though. My life is so busy that I just never seem to have the time. I never sleep or rest, I never talk to God. I'm so tired that I don't have enough energy to hope that that will change. However, my social life is well and I am mentally well. Spiritually, I am lacking.

You'll be frozen in my mind

This is my big, general, broad I miss you.
I have lost so much, and I keep losing.
My biggest fear, is to disappoint. Yet here I am, disappointing everyone. For this, I have lost so many very big and very important things in my life. I am wasted and empty. And I am sorry. I miss you. I miss you all.

A flight

All year I have been an absolutely horrible flagline member. It's not that I'm just bad at it, it's that I no longer cared. And I can say that, all year, I did not try my hardest, or even close to it, at any practice we had. That changed tonight. Tonight, I took complete charge of my little group. I was a leader and I sweated my butt off! I felt good. I've been pretty lazy lately. My body has missed doing things like karate or ballet. Of course, it is nothing like before. But still, I feel inspired. I feel like I can actually do stuff again. I am still ashamed of who I've become lately, but I've learned that I will change. Something inside of me is different from everyone else, there is a champion, a fighter, and just raw talent embedded in my very DNA. I have faith that the person I am now will lift up the person I am in the future.
I might not get everything right, and I might be to scared to try.
But when I don't get something right, and I feel like complete crap, I think that's God saying "Get off your lazy ass and be who I made you to be, do what I know you can do."

Fretting the facts and falling face first

I looked at myself today:
I've been saying bad words.
I've been being rude.
I've prayed less.
I'm always whining.
I now HATE my body.
I'm not as happy.

I must confess, I am so ashamed of what I have become. It was spirit night tonight, and I sat there all alone. And for the first time, I can say I truly was alone. God hasn't been so close of a friend lately. My life is a reflection of that fact in every possible way. I feel like a bad influence, I don't think people should be my friend. I really don't need people to be my friend. Im not worried about nobody liking me. Its just, I'm sitting her, for first time, fretting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I can't honestly say I like myself anymore.

Useless love

(*WARNING*: Most of this post will just be me venting. I just get so fed up.)

I have always had a great sense of inner peace. I can get by without having boyfriends all the time and not being the center of attention. I am generally pleased with myself. When I look in the mirror, I usually like what I see. Sometimes guys do to, sometimes. I just don't understand them though. I have random guys come up to me and just tell me how pretty I am, and some will come up saying they like me and want my number. But I don't care. None of the guys I actually like do that. I'll totally think a guy I like is into me and we'll be flirting, but then nothing. And it's just crap. And it just sucks.

Mother Mary

Growing up Catholic, I never liked it. I have always seemed to fight it, wanting to find a different religion I could call my own. I wanted to make the journey towards faith for myself, not defining me by what church my dad goes to. With this being said, I have been in complete denial of all of the saints and the whole Hail Mary prayer for a long while. A few days ago, I was having boy trouble (just the typical teenage girl kind, nothing special). It was the kind of time you just wanted to have a mom to talk to about everything, to listen to the "maybe he likes me" "I don't think he likes me" "He acts like he likes me" worries. That kind of conversation I really did not want to have with my mom though. So instead, I turned to the mother of Jesus.
And for the first time sense fifth grade, I prayed the rosary.
This happened on Tuesday, it is now Saturday and I have prayed it every day sense. Things have happened from this journey, things that absolutely let me know how extremely powerful our Catholic rosary is. From the bottom of my heart, I can honestly say, the rosary has changed my life.
We all have that mother up in heaven rooting for us, and when we are angry, upset, or confused, we can find hope through her story. When you feel that God has abandoned you, you can always ask Mary to help push your point through.

Fighting Hell

So yesterday I was just sitting there thinking. I know that lately I still haven't been feeling much of God's love, but I haven't been living his love out either. I believe there is a God and he came down to this earth to free us from our sins. I believe that fully. Only a babbling idiot could say there was a big boom then we all just appeared here.
After clearing everything up in my head, I went about my day. Throughout the whole day I realized that what I had decided must be a really big deal. I must have said it loudly, because two people heard. Not only did God hear it, but I declared it loud enough that the devil must have heard it too. I had seven boxes of paperwork to do at work, my dad totaled our car, my brother was angry all day because he got two permanent teeth removed, and just about everything that could go wrong, did. I knew the devil was trying to crush me, but i also knew that God would not let him. My paperwork is done, although we are out one car, it was our oldest car and my dad didn't get hurt at all, my brother is perfectly fine now, and the family ended the day sitting around the TV playing board games.
And all was well.

Fifty cents from God

So right now I am sitting behind my desk at work. I got a job at the gym and so now, from 7:30-3:30, I just sit back here doing nothing. Today though, everything went wrong. The internet suddenly went down, the mouse died and I couldn't find any batteries, the check in program quit working, and the man in charge was nowhere to be found. In my huge amount of stress, I started praying.
There are some little candy machines out in front of the gym, but I didn't have any quarters to go get something. So, I was stressed out and craving chocolate. Ahhh!
Then, something I never could have predicted happened. A man walked in the door and gave me two quarters, then kept going. I just stood there absolutely shocked. It may be a small thing, but I am in complete awe of what my God can accomplish.

Things are getting close

My faith is still weak. But, for now, that is okay. For when I am weak, he is strong. My life has been so busy and so hectic. In the midst of it all, I've learned more about myself. Lately I've been pondering over the thought that I am so afraid to fall. Well, not that I am afraid to fail at something, but I am afraid to disappoint others when I do fall. My hope rests in the fact that when I do disappoint God, He not only forgives me, but completely wipes me clean of it all. As if I never did it. I have a job now, working at a gym. It's cool. I am so grateful for it too. I'm grateful for a lot of things, my friends, my family, and my opportunities. It is so hard to believe that in 19 days I will be on my way to compete. I can't help but smile so big every time I just see pictures of the Sheraton hotel. I would never have been able to guess that God had such HUGE things in store for me. When I was five, I wanted to be a princess, not a international taekwondo competitor. In all honesty though, I'd choose Team USA over that silly stuff any day. There is absolutely no better way to show my strength in him than that.
So yeah, lifes fine. I'm still longing for that intimate prayer life I used to have, but I have patience. It's completely impractacle for me to expect him to just wrap his arms around me and never let go. I will be tested. But most importantly, I will prevail.

Hmmm

I will be going to New Orleans next week. I guess I'm starting to feel more alive again. I don't know. Things are getting better, but I still can't shake that useless feeling. Summer just started and really hasn't been all that exciting yet. But pretty soon it will! So lately I've just been training hard, studying harder, and just getting by.

Back to december... Please.

Things aren't getting better. It just sucks.

No.

To be honest, I am completely worn out. Every part of me is absolutely drained. I was going to just wait it out, but it's not working. Nothings working. Life just really sucks lately.

Sick

I have mono. I must say, I am completely exhausted. Just typing this is wearing me out. It's crazy.

The Ugly Truth

So here is the ugly truth.
Nobody likes you when you are sad. If you are a happy positive person, you will have friends. The second you aren't smiling, they will leave.
I just thought that ya'll should know that. When you break down, people will break away. The question is, were those people ever worth it? The answer is always going to be no. The most important question though is, were those people ever worth it to you? That's the problem, most of the time, our answer is yes.

No More

I am daily being convicted. Of everything. One day I feel so unworthy, and the next day I feel like I don't pray enough, and the next day I feel like God's putting to much on me. Everything seems so bipolar lately. And I'm lost. To be blunt, the idea of running away to the beach, getting drunk, and just laying there sounds pretty darn appealing. Now, by all means, I won't do that, but it sure seems like a lovely idea. This life is tearing me apart. In fact, I've been saying bad words lately, which I never ever do. I've just been an angry person lately. I don't know why. I do know that I am weighed down by an invisible burden. These convictions are continuous and continuously getting harder. I just pray for strength. Because really all I have to do.

Where Is The Love?

So I just wanted to share with everybody a poem I wrote today.

Gasping For Breath, He Cried To The Heavens
Sitting There, Only Taking Life By The Seconds
A Struggle Within, Hidden From All
With A Scream And A Shout, Out Whimpers A Begging Call
A World Crashes, A Generation Dies, A Cry For Help Collides With The Skies
Nobody Will Save The Heart Of The Wearied Fool
No Amount Of Sorrys Would Rid Him Of What He Used To Do
The Past Creeps Up And Raids The Resentful
It Grabs The Sorry By Their Tears And Repudiates To Let Go
Forgiveness Is Stolen From The Sinner.
Society Has Ceased The "Forgive Us Our Trespasses As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us" Part Of Faith
God Isn't In Lives Anymore
In Truth, Its The Tormented Fool Who Is Best Off
The One Who Forgives Those Who Continue To Hurt Him Is Strong
Its Those That Cause Him Pain That Are Weak.
All That Bring About Tears Are Not Men Of Worth, But The Devils Slaves
Cheers To The Sinners Giving And Asking For Forgiveness, For They Are The Heroes
Gods Love Is Living Through The Transformation Away From Their Wicked Past
May All Who Resist Their Success Be Wearied With Failure.
Let All Who Are Getting Better, Be Free To Do So Without Interference From Others.
So be Gone You Negative Foe. Banished Are You From The Kingdom Of Forgiveness
For Those Who Do Not Admit Their Sins And Repent Are Doomed To Never Be Forgiven When Their Time Of Sin Comes.

Now, it took me a while to realize exactly how little people understand. People are so judgmental. People tend to judge themselves on all of their good qualities and to judge everybody else on all of their bad ones. It's hard to realize, but its true. I'd even admit that I find myself doing it sometimes. But everybody has hard things in their life. Whether they are right of wrong, stop the hate. Where is the love?

With No Umbrella

Today I was reading about this lady. She was a sweet old lady who did everything for everyone. She would donate nearly all her money away and lived in a mere 550 square foot apartment. One thing it said about her was the fact that she never put anything off. When she was asked to do something, she would do it right away. I know its not exactly a big Christian leap, but I decided to start doing the same. No more procrastinating. In a way, it is a Christian commitment though. Most of the time I don't honor my mother and father (One of the ten commandments) and just ignore what they tell me to do. Today though, I changed that. I had just come back from running; lately I've been trying to get in shape. My legs were sore and I didn't want to move. As I just sat down and turned the TV on, my mom called me. She wanted me to take the trash outside and around the back. On a normal day, I would have said "sure, in a minute" and ignored her, probably getting around to it the next day. Today though, I didn't. It's been extremely windy outside all day and we've had a tornado watch. So as I was getting blown all over the place, I did my job. I walked back inside after I was done and sat back down. The second I sat back down, it started pouring down rain. Like crazy extreme pouring down. If I hadn't gotten up and done it right away, it would have rained on me too. I know it's just a small silly thing, but it's just one of the many ways I know God is listening.

I Swear, I'm Losing It.

I Swear, I think I'm going crazy. I haven't been very busy lately, but it seems as if every little thing just stresses me out.

Anyways, so I'd just like to throw a little something in here about love.
So I've been reading this book (Will Jesus buy me a double wide?) lately. The chapter I just read said something along the lines of:
"Go love somebody who can't love you back. Love somebody who can't do anything for you. Get off your butt and love somebody who you can't benefit from in anyway. They are never going to invite you to eat at their house. That's the gospel. Not God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life which includes a Mercedes Benz, a corner office, and a secretary with fake boobs."
Now, I've been trying really hard lately to do this. To love everybody. But sense I've been in this strange mood, it's not working so well. Now I'm not talking about the fake "I love you!" we say to all of our friends. I'm talking about the love talked about in John 13:34.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
We are to love extravagantly and to hold nothing back. Just for a minute, sit here and honestly think about how much God loved you. He expects nothing in return, he just did it for you. Now, think about how you love others. Are the two anywhere close to congruency? I know this is a personal struggle of mine. But I'm working on it. So let us be brothers and sisters in prayer. I pray that everyone of you loves as unconditionally as Jesus did.
And hopefully my bad mood will go away soon! Haha.

Touchdown

I think that as Christians, we count on the fact that God knows everything way too much. Of course, that might just be me who does that. Lately, I've been getting into other people business. Not trying to, its just the next thing I know I'm all caught in everybodys' personal life. That alone is a weird thing, because I am such a "It's none of my business" kind of person. So it's weird that I know so much about what everybody is up to. Which brings me to my main point, I've been forgetting lately to tell God about my day. I know that he sees everything. I know he knows everything in my heart. So I've forgotten to tell him about it. There will be so much on my mind, that I'll just say a quick prayer before I go to sleep. Basically telling him how thankful I am for life, praying for a few people, then that's it. I've been taking his relationship for granted. You see, a relationship with God is just that, a relationship. I was expecting to much from the other end of that relationship. I was expecting Him to just reach out and save me, with out my even asking. (Now, I'm not going to lie, He has done that to me before. He's always willing to pick me up before I even know I'm laying face down. But my point is, I have absolutely NO right to expect Him to always do that for me.) So, for a few days, I had that feeling like I wasn't really there. You know what I am talking about? It's like you know your there, but for some reason, you feel miles away. I started talking to God. I started telling him about my day, about my life. After I started connecting with Him again, I started to live again. I know it sounds funny, and stupid, like why would you care? What does that even matter. But I'll tell you why it matters. I was so sick of not feeling like myself, I didn't feel at home in my own body. So, I tried to feel again.

I promised to be completely open on here, so that's what I fully intend to do.

I cut myself. Three times. Only two broke skin, and none of them were deep. In fact, they just barely cut the surface. Of course, this didn't help at all. I was so tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body. So I really really started to immerse myself deep in prayer with God. So on Wednesday, a funny thing happened. I found myself living in this life again. I came home from school, played piano, went to karate, then church. I was living my old life again. I was talking to all my old friends again. The fact is, just the other day, I was swept away with all these new people and their new problems. So that day, I had no problems, I had my old life back. I felt at home again.

So that's just it, I told God about my problems and he took me back to the days that I had no problems.

May The Wind Whisper Your Praise.

So today, a funny thing happened. I laughed. Of course, I laugh often so it's not exactly a rare thing for me to do. But something about this laugh was different. I was just in PE. We have been doing this funny bowling stuff lately. Me and my friend were just goofing off, and I started laughing. Now, to anybody else, it just sounded like a normal laugh, it wasn't extremely high-pitched, unusually loud, or strangely long and nonstop. It was just normal. In that moment though, time almost froze. It was as if the universe stopped spinning just for me. I was just in pure awe and gratitude that I had the chance to truly laugh. It was not a laugh of evil, nor one of prejudice. It was completely innocent. I felt like God had just put all the happiness in the whole world, and let me carry it around for just a moment. To me, I think this is what it means to be a Christian.

Isaiah 55:12 says, "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."

This is our promise from God. Our God will redeem us. We are not called to live a life of misery and shame. As Christians, we are the hope, the light, and hopefully the laughter of many. If we are to honestly "go out in joy and be led forth in peace" then we are to be the hands and feet of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I believe that we are called to live our life in service to him, to ask him to free us from ourselves in pursuit of the impossible mission to become holy like him. Although we may never become holy, we will have our evil hearts desired replaced with his pure intentions. It once we become adoring servants to the Lord, that the "trees of the field will clap their hands." God will notice our submission. God will reward us. So I challenge you, go forth into this world as Christ would. He will reward you. No matter how big or little the reward is, just a simple laugh will do. As a human, I deserve nothing, so laughing should be such a reward that I am eternally grateful. In fact, him giving me breath is more that enough. So please, do good will to all, and be grateful for everything. Jesus Christ was a humble man. Lead a life like he did.

Lets Just Talk All Through The Night.

I want this post to be physical. Everything about this will be about physical pleasure, and physical abstinence. Now, I have the non-guilty pleasure of having my radio always on christian radio stations. When I drive, when I'm just sitting in my room, no matter what, that's what I'm listening to. Sense I listen to it so ofter, my parents obviously know. They make sure I know the notice too. Every time I do the tiniest thing wrong, I get a "talk" about how I can't be a real Christian listening to this music all the time then be so mean. This hurts me so much, I listen to my parents yell at me about being a fake, horrible, heartless christian all the time, that honestly, I completely believe it. I am a horrible christian. I deserve to go to Hell. But don't we all? If you all get to heaven one day and don't see me, don't be surprised. It's just like my parents predicted, I am a horrid person. I know its true, but its hard to take. I am completely abstinent. I have never gotten drunk. I do not party. In my whole life, I have never done drugs. Am I really that bad of a person? But that's not the question God asks us. God asks us, are you really that good of a person. People tend to preach don't do this and don't do that. What I want to hear, is the sound of people proclaiming GO OUT AND DO GOD'S GOOD WILL.


Here, I have a song. Boyce Avenue changed some of Katy Perry's lyrics. So this, right here, is the REAL teenage dream.

Dont Ever Look Back

The thing about the past is that the memories are so amazing that we try to relive them everyday. When we hang on to it, we lose how amazing it really was. Sometimes you just have to let go and leave it as a memory; part of your past, not your future.
I Think that's what happened to me. I had this amazing weekend! The thing was, it was so wonderful that if I could, I'd love to have made those days stretch on for decades. After all, that's where I met Oregon. Oregon was so cute, and had an even cuter personality. After hanging out with him, we were texting each other a lot. To be honest, I never really wanted to date him. He was more of just a fun person to flirt with innocently. When I found out that we were never going to happen, I hardly felt hurt at all. Thats when I realized what had been happening all along. I was trying to spread out something that wasn't meant to be spread out. God gave me a few days of happiness and I stood there at his alter, when I should have been bare before him shouting praise, asking him for more and more. I wanted him to grant me that happiness everyday, and the greed was overwhelming.
I would like to devout this post to me saying thank you to God. I had a most magical time, and now I am finally ready to let go.

Roses Are Red Voilets Are Blue God My Life Is All For You

Monday night I broke down. I completely lost myself. It was just some little thing my mom had said to be, but it was as if that little thing was just that extra raindrop that causes the dam to overflow. I went storming into my room on a whim. I just turned the radio up. Honestly, I never realized how much pain I had. The first thing that hit me was my restricted faith. I never knew exactly how much it hurt when my parents banned me from going to other churches besides the Catholic one. Secondly, the pain of all my lost friends hit me. Loosing my two very best friends, falling away from the person who caught me when I was first falling. All of these people are gone, and I never let myself really feel that pain. Thirdly, I felt my heart break for my friends. The stories they've told me and how much some of them have been through, I swear, it hurts me so much to think about it, I can't imagine how much they are hurt. They are so strong. Fourthly, I felt the pain of disappointment. I disappoint my parents, I disappoint myself, and I feel like I'm always disappointing God. Lastly, the pain I have endured from choosing to trust God. The pain of the promise I made. I just wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to break away. So I did. I bawled my eyes out and just asked over and over again, "Lord Help me." "God I am so lost." "Please save me Father." To my surprise he did, I looked up and there it was.

Now I'm going to interrupt my story with the fact that I am totally weird. I collect tissue boxes. I have ones that look like cake, haunted houses, snowmen, and so much more.

Now when I looked up, I saw one of my many tissue boxes. This one was unopened. I got it from my friend for Christmas. It was one that looked like a rose. Just then it hit me. I knew that when God was going to deliver me from my promise, he would send a rose. Now, it makes absolutely no sense how I knew, but I just knew it. I had had that box of tissues for a month, but even when I got it, it never hit me. Nowhere in my mind did I even recognize the fact that I had a rose just sitting in my room waiting for me to open my eyes. Right at that second that I looked up though, I knew it. This was it. It was my time to let go. I completely totally and wholly lost it. I had always figured I would keep that promise with me for another two years or so at least. I knew it though, I knew that wasn't going to happen. This was it. I was thrilled.

Of course the next day or so I started wondering about the promise period. I thought about it, and I started wondering if I just made the whole thing up to make myself feel like a good Christian. That thought was slowly bouncing around in the back corners of my head. A few days later, I was just chilling and sitting around when I realized why exactly I had made the promise.
God called me to.
The WHY part, I'm no longer confused about. He did it, because even though I can't see it, I have changed so much. Now, I feel like I will not completely lose myself in any relationship. I am fully prepared to choose God over any boy that comes in my life.

I Refuse

Last night I wasn't on very good terms with my parents, but I don't want to start of this post with all that negative stuff. So I'll talk about the rest of my weekend. It was pleasant. I'm not sure if it seemed good just because it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, (Which was really bad! Haha.) or if its because it actually was. I suppose that does not matter though. I'll just be happy it wasn't horrible. One thing I did learn this weekend is that you don't have to put yourself in bad situations. You choose who you hang out with and who you don't like. So I just want to stick a little note in here that nobody should be hanging about bad people just because they think they have to. I will be the first to tell you, you don't.
Anyways, my parents were yelling about me about all this stupid stuff last night. I had been up all night on the night before. I wasn't in the mood for there stupid arguments. But that's life, just gotta deal with it. Some how the stupid little argument ended up into being this huge long ordeal about me being to immature to survive in the real world. Right now, I'm sure their right. I'm fifteen not twenty one. I'm not supposed to be an adult yet. Later that night though, when I got home from my friends birthday party, we watched a movie. It was one of those dumb movies. It was a whole bunch of guys just messing around and, well, being guys. I remember what he said at the end of the movie though, "I'm not the guy that was in prison; I'm the man that came out of prison." So I've been thinking about that a lot. It's so true though. If everybody started viewing people like that, we'd have less people being judged and more people being loved. I refuse to look at people any other way. People are not defined by their past they are created by it. Personally, I find them all to be amazing creations. But that's just the point of view from a immature fifteen year old girl. And I REFUSE to look differently than that. I suppose I will die as an immature 95 year old lady then too.

This Is What Life Is.

I'm feeling it. Really, really feeling it. It feels like my whole life as built up just for these moments. Truthfully, it has. Every second that I live is used to make me stronger during the next second. For a while, I'd always think, God, why oh why have you put me here. Of all people, why am I the one you chose for this situation. Now, I have found myself. I admit, it did take other peoples story's for me to realize it. When my friends talk about how they can't stop thinking about some guy, I no longer can relate to that longing feeling. When people say negative things about me, I do not feel that pain. I rely on absolutely nobody of this world to make me happy. Some very intelligent person who's name I do not recall once said, "You cannot be alone if you like the person you are alone with." Now, they left out something very important when they said that though. If i was to have said it, I would change it from person to people. For we are always with God besides ourselves. That is my secret to living the happiest life.
First, I have so much religious peace, for God is ever present in my heart and guides all my choices. When anybody talks about making out with their boyfriends or when their walking around holding hands, I feel no jealousy. If anything, I feel sorry for them. The love I have found is so much greater and will last so much longer. I can honestly say that God has delivered me from even the slightest bit of adulterous temptation. He has also saved me from so many of my devious habits. Although I am a very imperfect sinner, I have become so much better that before. Nothing but the grace of the Lord could have stopped some of the things I did.
Second, I love myself. I find that to be a huge accomplishment. I don't think I've been bored for the longest time. When I'm all alone, I can just think, clear my mind. I don't need other people there for me all the time. I can just sit in peace with myself. Every night, when I think back on the day. I would gladly put a stamp on it and claim it for everybody around the world to see its my own. The choices I make, I'm proud of. Nobody can take that away from me. I truly do love myself. Now that not to be mistaken in some conceited way. I would gladly give myself up for someone else. And I would do almost anything to make others feel loved too. When I say I love myself, I mean that I accept myself and wouldn't change who I am. I really don't think anybody should ever want to change themselves. Why be someone else when YOU are so much better?

Just Maybe

I'm going to keep it very short a brief today, I have far to much homework to do. Anyways, today I realized just how happy I was. I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen in a while today. Now, God only knows I don't miss him, at all. It made me think though. How very much I've changed sense then. He was my friend for a very short time at the very beginning of school. Back then, I was anything but a good kid. I was awful. He asked me how I was doing. In that moment, I really really thought about it. I told him "Absolutely more amazing than I could ever imagine." I was at peace. That's so much more than some people can say.

Theres Good For Those Who Love God

So I was looking for some quotes today, because I'm a looser and that's just what I do. Personally, I absolutely love quotes. That's whatever though. I was on one site when I found this one.
God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.
-Jim Elliot
It does seem like a cruel thing to do, considering that a loving God should answer our pleading prayers. This really does make sense to me though. We have a loving God who is so much greater than we will ever know. His overwhelming array of purity is uncomprehendable. I know that when I put my trust in God, even greater things then what I could have ever planned happen. So, when it comes down to it, I believe there are two different kinds of Christians. Some will say, here I am God, do with me what you will. The others will say, here I am God, do with me what I will. Personally, I would much rather have Gods favor than my own human favor.

Its Always The Bigger Things In Life That Seem To Chose You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BktBq7PK01Y&feature=related

Pizza Perfect

Today was starting out to not be a very happy day. It was like the second I woke up my everyone was just trying to get on my nerves. I was very grumpy and felt absolutely horrible. So I just sat there and prayed for God to deliver me. And no matter how dumb it sounds, he did. I hadn't eaten yet because I hadn't felt good. Now I felt better though and was really hungry. I was craving some pizza really badly. My mom was relentless to give in. Now, when I get a craving, nothing else really was going to satisfy me. So I didn't eat. Ten minutes later my dad came home from a meeting. Apparently they had pizza for lunch and he'd brought me home some. I know its just a silly little thing. But it helps me to know that God truly does have it all planned for me. Most importantly, he answers my prayers. His love for me is so amazing.

Gazing Out Its Beautiful

So today hasn't exactly been the best day ever. All these new classes are looking pretty caliginous. I just pray that God gives me the patients to deal with some of these people. It's going to be a very long semester. I went outside tonight and just sat there. I looked up at the sky. In that moment, I just was able to take comfort in the fact that someone, somewhere out there, was looking at the exact same sky, moon, stars. I prayed for that person. For them to find what they were looking for. As I thought about it, its almost like I gave God body in the moon. Its almost like I would pray to it. For a while, that bothered me. I realized though, that I really wasn't. In truth, God is in and is everything. God is in the moon. God is even in your very worst enemy. So what if I like to look into the depths of the sky. He's present there, he's always there. When you pray, its to God. It begins in your heart, takes life in your thoughts, lives in his care, and dies when your ready. He takes care of it, and he knows who your talking too. So don't worry about how you do it, you can't call out to him in any place that he wont be able to hear.

Its Different

I feel like I need to talk about it. We all have one, some more than others, but its always there. Love. My choice not to. I was called to make a choice. I don't remember when exactly it was, but God put a notion in my heart. He made me ask the question, Why not stay single, for him. So I prayed about for a few months. Then finally, I came to the conclusion that he wanted me to. And when it comes down to it, that was probably the best decision I've made in my whole life. I'm not gunna lie, before that, I wasn't exactly having the guys chase after me to begin with. In fact, I was extremely lonely. I remember writing this. It was at one of those days that I just felt so sad. Because, well, I hadn't really ever had a good relationship. At least not one I really cared about:
It's 11:37. Iv been sitting here on my couch for an hour, crying my eyes out. I feel so alone. It hard to pray, like Gods obviously chose for me to be forever single so how does he feel about me praying against him... I'm so tired of being alone. Nobody understands. It's more than just wanting to "say I have a boyfriend." It's about the loneliness I feel when my friends pair off, it's about the way I feel God is punishing me by not wanting to make me feel happy. It's about how INCREDIBLY and UNDESCIBIBLY darn UGLY I FEEL. It's about how unwanted I feel, like I could fall off the earth and nobody would care. It's about how guilty I feel for being jealous of my friends. It's about how I feel like I'm missing out on what is a huge part of some people lives. I don't care how much of a loser other people think I am for being single; it's about how much of a loser I call myself for being single. I'm my own worst bully. I just want what everybody else wants... To feel loved. I guess I'm not worth it for any guy. I'm to much of a mess. I can't stand myself, how would anybody else be able to stand me. When I look in the mirror its hard feel even a little pretty. I'm just looking for a guy to prove all my worse fears wrong. Most of all, I'm looking to gain that self confidence I desperately need.

And that it, that was how unhappy it made me. And sense I'm being completely honest, even if I had chosen to date, I probably wouldn't be right now. I'd be the same unwanted unhappy girl. But after I made that promise, and literally RIGHT AFTER, everything changed for me. I've always said "You can't find yourself if your to busy getting lost in somebody else." but that's exactly what I did, I got lost in God. I found my self worth. Immediately afterwords, He blessed me in sooo many ways. I remember one night specifically. I just looked in the mirror, and started bawling my eyes out. He put some very amazing guys in my life, he made me feel beautiful again. I felt wanted, pursued. So I cried for the longest time, the tears of uttermost joy. I found happiness in the Lord. Now I know that this isn't the right path for everybody. But that's okay. Cause God has a different and exciting plan for each one of us. Today, I saw someone, someone who used to be important. But it's whatever. Cause I know this is so much better. One day, God will release me from my promise, and one day he'll give me a man I deserve, and one that deserves me. But until that day, hes using the rest of this time to deliver me. To save me from all the unfortunate heartbreaks everybody is living through. I could never be more happy. This is all part of his plan.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Now THAT deserves a hallelujah!

We All Want What We Cant Have

Yesterday was the drive home from Iowa. We made the whole 15 hour trip in one day, which was pretty good I presume. But anyways... I got to thinking a lot on the drive back. And I mean a whole lot! I started thinking about everything. Everything that I missed. To be honest, that's a lot. But thinking about it all was such a negative feeling. It wasn't that my life is full of regret. Cause it most certainly is not! I firmly believe in living life with no regrets.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
So I think that life should be a new journey each days. Put the past past you. As much as a try, there's always one thing that slips by me. Her death. Laura died a few years ago. To be honest, I wasn't a very close friend of hers. She was a great deal older than me. But when she was gone, I felt like it was my responsibility to go to her funeral. My friends that new her did. I didn't. I didn't have a ride. My mom wouldn't let me skip school for it. So I didn't go. That whole hour I sat there in class and cried. Now nobody noticed, and quite frankly, I'm glad they didn't. But it just sucked. I felt like I let her down. Even today. I would give anything to go to it. I missed saying goodbye to her. I'll never forgive myself for that.
But enough of that! I was thinking about the things I missed. what I wanted to come back. to relive. I miss my old friends. I miss my even older friends. I miss my old routines. I missed hanging out at Marie and Claire's houses'. But truthfully, I missed it all. Life is moving so quickly. Before I know it I'll be at college. I'll have kids. I'll be married. I can't go back. I'm living this life, now. And it's crazy. But so what, life's crazy.
"He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harms."
-Proverbs 13:20

I just want to walk with the wise and make sure my life is worth looking back at. I think it's a fabulous accomplishment all it's own to be able to look back at your past, and miss it. It shows you've done something truly great. I just would like to conclude this post with, I absolutely cant wait to do the even greater things God's planned for me.

When Stuff Is Stuff

Today was the estate auction for my great grandmother, the whole reason I'm even in Iowa. So we were all there bright and early. I looked around some and saw two things that I wanted. So I asked my mom to buy them for me. A stereoscope and a little hangy thing for my room. As I kept looking around, I found a few other cute little things that I wouldn't mind having either. After about three hours of being there, the action finally started.

And it seemed like the things I wanted weren't even being sold yet. (It ended up being a nine hour long auction. And I admit, I did fall asleep for some of it.) But then they started putting up some of the things that I had kind of wanted, nothing very important though. Each time I would sit there and listen as other people placed their bids as the auctioneer just kept mumbling on and on into higher and higher numbers. When the numbers finally stopped shooting up, he would repeat it over and over again till he'd yell "SOLD". So I would then watch him hand away my great-grandmother's stuff. And that made me mad. What gave this other person, who didn't even know her, who couldn't possibly have the same respect for it, permission to have it.
But you know what. She had every right to have it.
Why?

Because she bought it.

She bought an item. She bought an invaluable little thing.
And I was really the winner. Cause I got the memories. At no charge.
John 15:19 says:
If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.
God has personally chosen me to have something so much greater, so great that the world cannot steal it from me. And that's my everlasting memories. When this world is over, when life comes to an end, all those other people will have is dust. Dust left from the ashes of their once precious items.
Now I'm most definitely not saying that things are useless (I did after all end up with the two things I had really wanted.) but their not everything. And of course I'm not saying the people at the auction house were horrible people destined to hell for buying my great grandmothers stuff. All I'm saying is, material things are just that, material.

The Day I Got Woken Up Early.

After staying up nice and late last night, I was tired. And the fact that I was sitting there in Iowa instead of being home with my friends wasn't exactly making me the happiest girl alive. So I quite replying to all my "Happy New Years" text messages. And Prayed. I don't much remember what about, but I'm sure it was a nice long conversation.

Then, I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning to peoples voices. Now, nobody ever really comes down and hangs out down in the basement where I've been sleeping on a nice lovely couch. But, for some reason, today they did. So I woke up to my mom and Grandpa talking about just whatever, to be honest, I was so sleepy and angry I don't recall the exact conversations. Maybe it was something about doctors. I don't know. All I know is that I was mad. Almost in tears ready to throw a fit kind of mad. I shoved my pillow over my face to let them know my anger. and they noticed. But, of course, they didn't care. But I wouldn't budge. I had absolutely no intentions of getting up. What seemed like hours later, they finally left.
So I should have been happy, right?
Yes!
But Was I...
No.
Because after all that fuss, I was still mad. And all that time had gradually eased away all sleepiness I had previously felt. I was so caught up in the past, it had ruined my sleep.

And somehow this all reminded me of some lyrics from the soundtrack of Letters to God. (My Absolute FAVORITE Movie BTW. Haha. :])
"When I'm buried in the questions, I can't find the answer. I close my eyes and listen, till I remember. When everything was beautiful."

And I realize the whole situation was silly, not something really worth your time to read. But for me, it was a lovely realization reminder. That, well, everything is beautiful. I was so caught up in my anger that I disrupted a father and daughter having a conversation. Something that rarely gets to happen considering we live in two very different states. For all I know it could have been the most beautiful thing and I just despised it. Then when I was finally left alone. I was so caught up. Nothing was beautiful. I wanted more. I needed more. But thats not how it works. I forgot to see how beautiful every single second is. And for that, Im sorry Lord.