Monday night I broke down. I completely lost myself. It was just some little thing my mom had said to be, but it was as if that little thing was just that extra raindrop that causes the dam to overflow. I went storming into my room on a whim. I just turned the radio up. Honestly, I never realized how much pain I had. The first thing that hit me was my restricted faith. I never knew exactly how much it hurt when my parents banned me from going to other churches besides the Catholic one. Secondly, the pain of all my lost friends hit me. Loosing my two very best friends, falling away from the person who caught me when I was first falling. All of these people are gone, and I never let myself really feel that pain. Thirdly, I felt my heart break for my friends. The stories they've told me and how much some of them have been through, I swear, it hurts me so much to think about it, I can't imagine how much they are hurt. They are so strong. Fourthly, I felt the pain of disappointment. I disappoint my parents, I disappoint myself, and I feel like I'm always disappointing God. Lastly, the pain I have endured from choosing to trust God. The pain of the promise I made. I just wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to break away. So I did. I bawled my eyes out and just asked over and over again, "Lord Help me." "God I am so lost." "Please save me Father." To my surprise he did, I looked up and there it was.
Now I'm going to interrupt my story with the fact that I am totally weird. I collect tissue boxes. I have ones that look like cake, haunted houses, snowmen, and so much more.
Now when I looked up, I saw one of my many tissue boxes. This one was unopened. I got it from my friend for Christmas. It was one that looked like a rose. Just then it hit me. I knew that when God was going to deliver me from my promise, he would send a rose. Now, it makes absolutely no sense how I knew, but I just knew it. I had had that box of tissues for a month, but even when I got it, it never hit me. Nowhere in my mind did I even recognize the fact that I had a rose just sitting in my room waiting for me to open my eyes. Right at that second that I looked up though, I knew it. This was it. It was my time to let go. I completely totally and wholly lost it. I had always figured I would keep that promise with me for another two years or so at least. I knew it though, I knew that wasn't going to happen. This was it. I was thrilled.
Of course the next day or so I started wondering about the promise period. I thought about it, and I started wondering if I just made the whole thing up to make myself feel like a good Christian. That thought was slowly bouncing around in the back corners of my head. A few days later, I was just chilling and sitting around when I realized why exactly I had made the promise.
God called me to.
The WHY part, I'm no longer confused about. He did it, because even though I can't see it, I have changed so much. Now, I feel like I will not completely lose myself in any relationship. I am fully prepared to choose God over any boy that comes in my life.
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